Learning to love myself

So a few days back, my boyfriend and I did this little "photoshoot" for a brand we're about to release. It will be launching soon, will be updating it on my instagram as soon as it's ready!

Anyways, so blogging has been something that I've started to like although I'm still finding my way around. It has allowed me to take time to write down things that make me happy, things that inspire me, things that I've experienced. I'm not great at it yet but I'm getting there! If you're reading this, thank you for being interested in my not so interesting life, much love for you.

 I've never really been a bold and daring individual despite how talkative and active I was at school. Little did you know, I'm usually the less talkative one when in a big group of people cause I have always been afraid that they'd think I'm lame or boring. The fear of what others thought had made me self conscious of my words, I hated it. However, if I'm comfortable with you, I'd go on and on about the lamest and most random things that sometimes make me wonder who'd talk to me.
But as I grew up, it hit me that there's nothing wrong with me, sometimes people are just on an entirely different frequency from me.

I also hated the fact that I wasn't very tall, nor did I like my face or body. I hated how i looked for quite a long time but now, even when I felt fat or whatever, I knew it was whether I wanted to do something about it or not. It was my choice, if I hated it I'd have to change. If you didn't like something, do something about it!

What's there to hate really, who's going to love you if you didn't love yourself? At the end of the day, you're the one who's really there for yourself.
You'd never know, maybe someone thinks you're great and wants to be you while you're busy wanting to be someone else?

The more you can love your darkness, the more you can live your greatness 

There were days when I woke up hating myself so much that I didn't look at the mirror but that's fine, we all have bad days but lucky me, I have people around me who'd remind me that I'm not as bad as I'd like to think I am. Even now I'd still get annoyed at my own face sometimes that I'd end up going on my Instagram deleting photos I've posted of myself but that's okay cause as long as it makes me feel better after. We have to do things that'd make ourselves happy cause that's what's really important.
Loving myself has got to be a huge challenge but I know it'll make me a better person so I'm looking forward to it.

It takes time, so baby steps!

(ps, do you guys have any nice collage apps that can make my photos overlap and all to recommend?)
xx

Vague future

"By having a clear vision, even a short vision of what will happen in the future. We will be less worried and feel a little bit confident, and calm because we can manage our life in the world that is changing every second." Ly Nguyen

Midnight thoughts all kicking in and it's making me toss and turn in bed.
This gap year has given me the time to think a lot but it still makes me wonder if the course I'll be taking in university will be the right one for me. I'm not sure if I appreciate this luxury of being allowed to ponder about it, I'm worried that I might change my mind.

The future is a scary place. The thought of not knowing what could happen is scary. As a child, I remember forging an image of my future. The expectations I had of my future were so vast, I doubt I thought of how I'd actually get there. Once upon a time I wanted to be a lawyer and along the way it became an actress, a singer, so on and so on. I actually thought of becoming a princess like HELLO? I mean which girl didn't want to live wearing designer clothes, shop without thinking twice and actually got to do something fun for a living. Well, most of us imagined life as the rich and wealthy. It didn't occur to me back then that it was more than just studying hard. So I studied hard in school, got good grades and all but when it was time to choose my course for university, all the question marks came up. I started to think and worry about job opportunities, the chances of a promising future, the possibilities of living a good life and whether I'd actually like my future job. I was afraid that I'd be working like a slave for people my whole life, I didn't want that. I've always wanted to own my own business and become an entrepeneur one day.

I changed my course for university about 2 months before submission because the previous one didn't seem to have a promising future after doing all my research. It made me understand that liking the job description is one thing, but having a wide range of job choices to choose from is more important for my future. As I got older, having a fun job didn't seem to matter as much as having a good income and that worried me. What if after all of it, I hate my job?

When your age counter is ticking and you start to see more cons than pros about chasing that dream of yours.  - Bellywellyjelly

It's true, everything seems to be harder. So I decided on my course cause I saw how it would be able to help the world, help life. I saw that possible future but what if that means I'd be working for someone for the rest of my life? Or what if I don't graduate well and end up working as something that I don't like or end up doing something that doesn't involve my degree at all? Is reality this scary  or is it all in my head? How would I know?

xx

Saying goodbye

" He's leaving soon, very soon."

" Hurry up "

" He's going now "

What does one do when someone they love who has been there for as long as they could remember is about to leave for good, forever?

I have been intending to write this post awhile back but have not had the courage to cause when I do, it means it's real. But I felt like I should because you were such an important person to me and I'd like everyone to know that.

Not too long ago, gong gong (grandfather) was strong and healthy, always watching us every Saturday from his gong gong chair with the occasional " why is everyone using their phones " or "how is your brother" (cause my brother is working overseas). He always observed us and discussed with popo (grandmother). This happened every week we were there. Occasionally he would compliment us with really sweet words like "You look prettier!" or "You look fitter!", that sort of stuff.

We would watch him and popo making fun of each other all the time and it would make us giggle and laugh so much!

          " She is the one holding the steering wheel, I'm just the one pressing the gas! " 

They were lovely, always watching out for each other. They're great parents and amazing grandparents. Constantly wanting to know how each of us were doing, whether at school or at work. 

When we were younger, gong gong often went fishing. He has only ever brought my brother and I to watch once. He had a pretty great collection of fishing rods he was proud of which the cousins and I would spin when we walked pass cause it was just tempting. Gong gong would often bring fishes home for popo to cook for our weekly dinner and trust me, it was great. He would always drive popo in his favourite cute jeep around to buy stuff. Even before the recent Chinese new year, he was driving her out. 

Both gong gong and I had one thing in common, our love for fish heads. Whenever the adults offered it to him, he'd offer it to me! It always warms my heart to have grandparents who care about me, it's nice. 

He always reminded us,

" The most important thing is to study hard, so that you can live well and make sure you take care of your parents when you're older ". 

He was very proud of his children and I'm sure he's happy for them. I hope he's proud of his grand children too, cause we definitely adore and respect him a lot. Visiting him at the hospital the past month really did not prepare any of us for this day. We thought he'd be better and home soon.

On Sunday morning, my dad came into our rooms to wake us up, telling us that gong gong was leaving so we hurried but we just weren't fast enough. On the way there, I was hoping that you'd wait for me, I ran, I really did but it was too late. I really hoped I could go back to that morning and made sure I made it there earlier to say my goodbyes but I missed the chance and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life, being a few seconds late. Watching popo broke my heart even more, it was difficult to breathe. Every thing happened way too fast but I'm glad that you're done with all the pain and at peace now. You were a fighter even until the end. Seeing that peaceful look on your face when I arrived also reminded me that it will be okay. You were so important to me as a grandfather cause I only remember having one around since I lost my other grandfather at a young age. I'm glad you got to watch me grow up to become who I am now, and I trust you'll be watching over me from where ever you are cause that is the kind of grandfather you are. Having you as my grandfather has got to be one of the greatest blessings I've got in this life. Thank you.

So I held his hand tight for the last time hoping for some reaction but that was it. He was gone.
I did not know what to think or feel, something just broke.

You never really realise how much you feel for someone until they're gone. So appreciate your parents and grandparents while you can, make them happy while they're around, while you can cause when they're gone, they're not coming back.

" I know you're in a better place but it's always gonna hurt "





xx