Sunny days are happy days

Seeing how far I've come, I do still look back to the past and miss them a little but that's where they'll stay, in the past where it belongs. Brighter days are here and these are the days that remind me of how much more there is to life; seeing people laugh, watching people fall in love, eating our favourite food and having friends who matter. It's those little bits of everything that give you that positive outlook on life, showing you how much more you can be, how much more you can do.

Sitting here at this new cafe, watching people walk by gave me a sense of calmness and relaxation. I began thinking a lot but I just can't put them into words. Anyway ignoring all that irrelevance, it was a rare sunny day in Manchester when my friend and I stopped by this new little cafe. It's called Takk Coffee which opened recently at Hatch, along Oxford Road, Manchester. Hatch has a really cute and dreamy kind of atmosphere, definitely good for photos! The cafe, has this really aesthetic, minimalist sort of vibe which was also a really nice place for photos.

I had the matcha latte which was great because it didn't have that bitter green tea taste which you get in some of the matcha lattes. I had it with a slice of carrot cake which had a nice cinnamon taste to it, topped with 'a little too sweet' icing. They served other sorts of pastries too which I did not get a shot of because of the sudden lunch crowd.  BUT I would definitely be back again just to sit and relax from life because I believe we should always give ourselves a break before we actually break hehe! So if you wanna try this place out and don't have anyone to go with you, just hit me up! 

Lots of love,

xx

Grateful

In the past month, I lost what felt like home and it made me feel so lost that I forgot what was there worth living for for a moment. To be fair, it had been my home and support system for 4 years and losing it out of the blue was scary and it left me feeling empty. I felt like I lost everything.

After a few weeks, my friend told me to start listing down things to be grateful for. Honestly, I was lazy at first but then I was desperate so I did it. I started listing down things that I should be grateful for so here's a list of it.

I'm grateful for :

1. Being healthy and able

A year ago, I was found to have TB in my lungs, which caused me to take a gap year and made me start uni a year later than my friends. I was devastated when I got the news and all i could think of was why me. The thing I didn't see back then was that I could have died. There was a cavity in my upper lung and things would have gotten worse if I did not find out then, so I guess it was a blessing in disguise and that is what life does, throw shit at you to make you appreciate other things more. I was kinda blessed though. I didn't have to be quarantined because I wasn't contagious. Aside from that, I'm healthy and physically able to do so much in life. I got to join the gym, travel, rock climb and whatever else I wanted to. 

2. Having such supportive and loving friends

So, my friends and I are at this age where we know we have each others' backs no matter what although we don't hang out all the time anymore. We catch up every now and then if we're lucky, but I just know they'll always be there for me and I realised how blessed I was to have such friends, especially when I was at my lowest. They'd talk to me for hours and constantly remind me that I'll be okay although I kept being sad anyway. They didn't judge me for whatever I did. They didn't give up on me and I can never be more grateful of them.

3. Having such a supportive family

I never really realised how important family was until recently. I mean, I love them and they're great and all but this was my first time having to rely on them for strength because I've never been this defeated in my 20 years of existence. It was probably a huge shock for them because I don't usually break so easily but I did, and they were nothing short of amazing. My dad kept spoiling me more than  usual over the holidays and would not ask me about anything because he knew I would have cried. At the theme park during our trip, he just put his sunglasses over my eyes when I started crying. So tell me who's the real MVP now? He just kept being there by the side, watching and supporting. When I got back here, he sent me a really heartfelt message saying " you'll always have a home here in my heart" and that made me cry like a baby honestly. My mom talked to me and reminded me that I'm way better than this and I can do better. She said she was proud of the person I am. I told her she had to say that cause she was my mom, so she said " When have I ever lied to you? I'm telling you what I see, and I see an independent girl who is strong enough to get through whatever that's thrown at you. This is only a mere hurdle. You're strong and beautiful inside out so don't let this tell you otherwise." So yeah, for some reason, the things your mother says makes more sense than anything in your head. Then, there was my sister who I constantly got to hug when I was home. I'd randomly walk to her and hug her and cry, then she'll pat my head and wipe my tears off, making me feel like the younger one. She'd hold my hand when we're out too just cause haha. Oh, and my brother who's all the way in Canada. He said " You'll always have a four people you can always turn to no matter what" and that made me less lonely.

I think having such a strong bond with family is so important because they're really the ones who'll never leave your side no matter how hard things get, it's like one thing you'd never have to worry about. I am beyond blessed to have such a supportive family, parents who'd spend so much on us to provide us with the best, who'd give us the opportunities to do so much in life.

4. The opportunities I'm given

Ever since I was young, I was given the support and chance to do so much. I got to pick up hobbies and learn things like the piano, rock climbing and whatever else that I wanted to. I never had to worry about anything to do with expenses and adult stuff. I was not born with a silver spoon but I was born into a great family. My parents provided what we needed and we only had to worry about our own growth, it was easy growing up in that sense. We travelled a lot, I travelled a lot. In my gap year, I travelled to four different countries on holiday. Now here I am, given the chance to study in UK, given the opportunity to travel, to see things, to learn, to do so many things. What more can I ask for?

5. Breathing

When things happened, honestly, I felt like I was going to die. Literally. I felt all the physical pain of a heart break and I wasn't being dramatic. Yes, many have been through this and came out stronger but at that point it hurt so much that I felt like I forgot how to breathe. I couldn't eat for about 2 weeks and whenever I forced myself to, i puked. But now, I'm getting better and I'm glad I didn't give up on myself when I wanted to, thanks to everyone around me. Here I am, breathing and listing down things that I should be grateful for because I am breathing. Because I am breathing, I can do better. Because I am breathing, I can get better. Because I am breathing, that made me stronger.

Yes, I am still trying to find the strength to be stronger. I am still learning and I am still fighting to love myself more everyday and some days I fall more than a step back. But, every new day is a fighting chance, and every chance gives you the opportunity to grow and be a better you. You'll never stop growing but every small growth is growth. Remember that you are human after all and humans are far from perfect.

Lots of love,

xx

                                                   

Dying to perfection

Girls want to be pretty, hot, sexy.

Guys want to be buff, tall, hot.

Is that really all there is to looking good and feeling great?

Scrolling through tumblr, I've come across so many girls looking so perfect with those skinny never ending legs, bubble butts, flat tummy, pimple-less skin and those gorgeous cheek bones.

I started questioning myself, why can't that be me? Why can't I look like that too? I have to admit that it felt horrible.

Don't lie to yourself, you did exactly that and felt the same way. But, should we really be doing this to ourselves?

As I started to learn of ways to love myself, the word perfection came across my mind a little too many times. Well,

I'm someone who cringes at compliments & praises because I feel like those kind souls are just being generous. I'm merely just a mashed up bunch of flaws put together into this messy piece of species.

We look up to certain people; We idolise them, they inspire us. Deeming them the perfect person to be with that amazing body, gorgeous hair, perfect face and even the perfect lifestyle, making us feel so belittled and so much less. The idea of perfection slowly fades away, slowly becoming a myth that will never happen. An unobtainable goal that we could only ever wished for but never ever reach.

Then the question that hit me was,

Why am I, why are YOU trying to be perfect? What does perfection really mean? Why am I sitting in front of the mirror or my front camera beating myself up about how ugly I feel or how I don't look like that other girl? Will being perfect make me happier? 

That was when I made a decision to constantly remind myself that I am the most perfect version of myself than anyone else will ever be. I don't have to look like the other girl, I don't have to dress like the other girl or be as skinny as her. To stand back up stronger than before after a breakdown. It's okay to fall into that little ball of insecurity, drowning in it but just we have to get back up after. I just have to be happy, healthy and better version of myself every day. The idea of perfection is simply a mere misconception implanted in our heads by what society deemed perfect. 

So here I am to tell you guys who've read so far, to stop trying to achieve perfection and instead learn to love your flaws and embrace the fallbacks in life. It makes you real. It makes you, you. Stop drowning yourself in mindless worries and remind yourself that the darkest of days will blow away and you will stand stronger than you have ever did. 

Lots of love,

xx

The most loyal, understanding and loving creature

She says hi to me in the most excited manner, says bye to me with the saddest face hoping I'd stay awhile longer, entertains me like I'm her world.

I remember waking up one morning to the sound of barking coming from inside the house, I got confused and woke my sister up. She ran down to check and ran back up to tell me to get my butt downstairs so I did, and there this brown lil creature was walking in circles so intrigued by strangers who kept touching her and feeding her. That was the most exciting part when we just got her, watching her eat her food off our hands. We fell in love with that brown lil baby so immediately. 

Now, let me just tell you about what a fighter this lil bitch was. No, she didn't have any illness or whatsoever. Yes, she was lucky in the end but there was once upon a time where a couple so cruelly left this lil puppy tied in the hot sun at the fire extinguisher when they left to work where she'd have to untie herself to go wandering around for shelter. Who knows what she went through. One day, a kind lady picked her up and went to the owners only to find out that they didn't want her anymore (when i found out, all I could think of was WHY). So this lady asked my mom if she wanted to take the poor abandoned puppy in and for some reason god heard my pleas and my mother brought her home. A while later, we found out she got pregnant while she was still on the streets so we brought her to the vet to get them removed as she was too small to give birth to those babies. (some huge ass dog raped her opps)

She was like any other puppy; Mischievous, curious, needed to be spoiled. We got mad at her sometimes but she wins us over again and again. Yes, she ruined our shoes and doors... even my school shoes! But I can only get pissed at her for like what 30 seconds? She'd find her way home whenever she went out on her own which made us less worried! She's the most adorable thing who looks at you as if she understands what you're saying. Sometimes I'd talk to her when I'm sad and she'd just lick me and lean on me, like hello you understand???? She would ask me for food when she's hungry, no really I'm not being crazy she really does! She's so comfortable with us that she'd let us do anything with her and she'd sleep so soundly on her mat! She absolutely hates thunder and fireworks and somehow I feel the need to make her feel better so I'd pat her until she falls asleep during the thunderstorm, kind of like her thunder buddy.

We adore her and she adores us. Watching her sleep has got to be one of the most soothing thing ever. She looks so calm and adorable! She hates letting us take photos of her so she'd look away whenever I take my phone out hahah! Oh, did I mention that she never peed or pooped out of the patch of grass that we have? Yep, she's weird, she can only pee and poop on grass! Even at 10 human years old, she still acts like a lil puppy when she sees us!

Everyone thinks they have the best dog and none of them are wrong - W.R. Puerto 

Lately she's gotten old, and it makes me worry how would I possibly be okay with ever losing her. I had her since I was 10, I've practically had her for half of my life! It's true when they say that your dog will treat you like their world. Do you look at your dog and wonder how did you ever get so lucky? I do.

We made her a choker ahahah!

Lots of love, xx

Learning to love myself

So a few days back, my boyfriend and I did this little "photoshoot" for a brand we're about to release. It will be launching soon, will be updating it on my instagram as soon as it's ready!

Anyways, so blogging has been something that I've started to like although I'm still finding my way around. It has allowed me to take time to write down things that make me happy, things that inspire me, things that I've experienced. I'm not great at it yet but I'm getting there! If you're reading this, thank you for being interested in my not so interesting life, much love for you.

 I've never really been a bold and daring individual despite how talkative and active I was at school. Little did you know, I'm usually the less talkative one when in a big group of people cause I have always been afraid that they'd think I'm lame or boring. The fear of what others thought had made me self conscious of my words, I hated it. However, if I'm comfortable with you, I'd go on and on about the lamest and most random things that sometimes make me wonder who'd talk to me.
But as I grew up, it hit me that there's nothing wrong with me, sometimes people are just on an entirely different frequency from me.

I also hated the fact that I wasn't very tall, nor did I like my face or body. I hated how i looked for quite a long time but now, even when I felt fat or whatever, I knew it was whether I wanted to do something about it or not. It was my choice, if I hated it I'd have to change. If you didn't like something, do something about it!

What's there to hate really, who's going to love you if you didn't love yourself? At the end of the day, you're the one who's really there for yourself.
You'd never know, maybe someone thinks you're great and wants to be you while you're busy wanting to be someone else?

The more you can love your darkness, the more you can live your greatness 

There were days when I woke up hating myself so much that I didn't look at the mirror but that's fine, we all have bad days but lucky me, I have people around me who'd remind me that I'm not as bad as I'd like to think I am. Even now I'd still get annoyed at my own face sometimes that I'd end up going on my Instagram deleting photos I've posted of myself but that's okay cause as long as it makes me feel better after. We have to do things that'd make ourselves happy cause that's what's really important.
Loving myself has got to be a huge challenge but I know it'll make me a better person so I'm looking forward to it.

It takes time, so baby steps!

(ps, do you guys have any nice collage apps that can make my photos overlap and all to recommend?)
xx

Vague future

"By having a clear vision, even a short vision of what will happen in the future. We will be less worried and feel a little bit confident, and calm because we can manage our life in the world that is changing every second." Ly Nguyen

Midnight thoughts all kicking in and it's making me toss and turn in bed.
This gap year has given me the time to think a lot but it still makes me wonder if the course I'll be taking in university will be the right one for me. I'm not sure if I appreciate this luxury of being allowed to ponder about it, I'm worried that I might change my mind.

The future is a scary place. The thought of not knowing what could happen is scary. As a child, I remember forging an image of my future. The expectations I had of my future were so vast, I doubt I thought of how I'd actually get there. Once upon a time I wanted to be a lawyer and along the way it became an actress, a singer, so on and so on. I actually thought of becoming a princess like HELLO? I mean which girl didn't want to live wearing designer clothes, shop without thinking twice and actually got to do something fun for a living. Well, most of us imagined life as the rich and wealthy. It didn't occur to me back then that it was more than just studying hard. So I studied hard in school, got good grades and all but when it was time to choose my course for university, all the question marks came up. I started to think and worry about job opportunities, the chances of a promising future, the possibilities of living a good life and whether I'd actually like my future job. I was afraid that I'd be working like a slave for people my whole life, I didn't want that. I've always wanted to own my own business and become an entrepeneur one day.

I changed my course for university about 2 months before submission because the previous one didn't seem to have a promising future after doing all my research. It made me understand that liking the job description is one thing, but having a wide range of job choices to choose from is more important for my future. As I got older, having a fun job didn't seem to matter as much as having a good income and that worried me. What if after all of it, I hate my job?

When your age counter is ticking and you start to see more cons than pros about chasing that dream of yours.  - Bellywellyjelly

It's true, everything seems to be harder. So I decided on my course cause I saw how it would be able to help the world, help life. I saw that possible future but what if that means I'd be working for someone for the rest of my life? Or what if I don't graduate well and end up working as something that I don't like or end up doing something that doesn't involve my degree at all? Is reality this scary  or is it all in my head? How would I know?

xx

Saying goodbye

" He's leaving soon, very soon."

" Hurry up "

" He's going now "

What does one do when someone they love who has been there for as long as they could remember is about to leave for good, forever?

I have been intending to write this post awhile back but have not had the courage to cause when I do, it means it's real. But I felt like I should because you were such an important person to me and I'd like everyone to know that.

Not too long ago, gong gong (grandfather) was strong and healthy, always watching us every Saturday from his gong gong chair with the occasional " why is everyone using their phones " or "how is your brother" (cause my brother is working overseas). He always observed us and discussed with popo (grandmother). This happened every week we were there. Occasionally he would compliment us with really sweet words like "You look prettier!" or "You look fitter!", that sort of stuff.

We would watch him and popo making fun of each other all the time and it would make us giggle and laugh so much!

          " She is the one holding the steering wheel, I'm just the one pressing the gas! " 

They were lovely, always watching out for each other. They're great parents and amazing grandparents. Constantly wanting to know how each of us were doing, whether at school or at work. 

When we were younger, gong gong often went fishing. He has only ever brought my brother and I to watch once. He had a pretty great collection of fishing rods he was proud of which the cousins and I would spin when we walked pass cause it was just tempting. Gong gong would often bring fishes home for popo to cook for our weekly dinner and trust me, it was great. He would always drive popo in his favourite cute jeep around to buy stuff. Even before the recent Chinese new year, he was driving her out. 

Both gong gong and I had one thing in common, our love for fish heads. Whenever the adults offered it to him, he'd offer it to me! It always warms my heart to have grandparents who care about me, it's nice. 

He always reminded us,

" The most important thing is to study hard, so that you can live well and make sure you take care of your parents when you're older ". 

He was very proud of his children and I'm sure he's happy for them. I hope he's proud of his grand children too, cause we definitely adore and respect him a lot. Visiting him at the hospital the past month really did not prepare any of us for this day. We thought he'd be better and home soon.

On Sunday morning, my dad came into our rooms to wake us up, telling us that gong gong was leaving so we hurried but we just weren't fast enough. On the way there, I was hoping that you'd wait for me, I ran, I really did but it was too late. I really hoped I could go back to that morning and made sure I made it there earlier to say my goodbyes but I missed the chance and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life, being a few seconds late. Watching popo broke my heart even more, it was difficult to breathe. Every thing happened way too fast but I'm glad that you're done with all the pain and at peace now. You were a fighter even until the end. Seeing that peaceful look on your face when I arrived also reminded me that it will be okay. You were so important to me as a grandfather cause I only remember having one around since I lost my other grandfather at a young age. I'm glad you got to watch me grow up to become who I am now, and I trust you'll be watching over me from where ever you are cause that is the kind of grandfather you are. Having you as my grandfather has got to be one of the greatest blessings I've got in this life. Thank you.

So I held his hand tight for the last time hoping for some reaction but that was it. He was gone.
I did not know what to think or feel, something just broke.

You never really realise how much you feel for someone until they're gone. So appreciate your parents and grandparents while you can, make them happy while they're around, while you can cause when they're gone, they're not coming back.

" I know you're in a better place but it's always gonna hurt "





xx